Monday, March 9, 2009

Frequently Asked Questions

Interviewing a babysitter has evolved over the last three decades from a simple one-question phonecall ("Are you available on the evening of Saturday, May 12th, 1981? You are! Oh thank God, you're hired.") to a gruelling process involving costly agencies and time-consuming cyberstalking. After all this modern-day hoopla, parents can still be left with a nagging sense of insecurity. Concerns tug at your guilty conscience as you pull out of the driveway wearing lipstick for the first time in 3 years. Have all my questions really been answered? How much do I actually know about the glamorous world of babysitting? Am I providing a nurturing environment for my babysitter so that she in turn can nurture my children's spongey, impressionable minds?

Don't panic: you're not alone! I've created this handy list of Frequently Asked Questions just for you. These nuggets of knowledge are of the utmost importance to a good babysitter/parent relationship. If you like, you can print it out and stick it to your fridge with a magnet for quick reference, or distribute it paper menu-style amongst your neighbor's windshields. Now get going, you - that basket of Olive Garden breadsticks isn't going to get drunk and lick the salt off of itself!

Just the FAQ's, Ma'am!
All About Babysitters
by Jenni

Q: I have a fridge stocked with icy cold beverages, and you're welcome to help yourself. What do babysitters drink?

A: Crystal Light, ice tea and beer

Q: I'm meeting a blind date at the Rusty Nail for Happy Hour, and I won't be able to fix dinner. What can I leave for you so you can make something quick and easy for yourself and the kids?

A: Money, so we can order a pizza. If that's not possible, the next best thing is to leave some hot dogs in a small pot of boiling water accompanied by a package of room-temperature buns on the counter. Carrots and ranch dressing should be left in the fridge to maintain freshness.

Q: Do you know CPR?

A: Does anyone really know CPR?

Q: I don't allow television or video games in my home. Are you going to have a problem with that?

A: Absolutely not. Your children and I will have a wonderful time playing Coney Island Carnies with some steak knives and the Lazy Susan. Or, if the rain lets up, we'll go to the park and set up an unlicensed mustache trimming stand to scam German tourists.

Q: We don't believe children's primal urges should be stifled with a lot of negative rules and regulations, so we don't have a set bedtime or punish so-called "bad" behavior. Can I expect you to create a similar environment while I'm away?

A: No, becuase I will never be caught within a 50-meter radius of your children.

Q: I'm having an affair with a substitute art teacher, and she thinks my kids ought to be more creative at home. What kinds of crafts do babysitters know how to make?

A: God's Eye, lanyard, tooled leather key fob, macaroni jewelry, dried bean art, celery/carnation food-coloring arrangement, Easter egg dying, friendship bracelet, clay pipe

Q: Do babysitters really steal husbands?

A: Sometimes, but usually it's pretty gross to even imagine making love to your aging, bald husband, let alone actually doing it. Officially, it violates the Babysitter's Code.

Q: I put out an outfit for my child to wear to school the next day, and he/she came bak in something completely different! What happened?

A: You must be very busy because you accidentally left out a pair of Crocs and your child thought he/she had to wear them! To school! Don't worry: I donated them to a Mexican worm farm and thus had to completely redo your child's outfit from scratch. I only charged you for postage and gas.

Q: Uh-oh, it looks like I'm going to be late! Is that OK?

A: Totally! Supervised visiting hours at my boyfriend's facility are from 8:00 am - 8:50 am, so I don't have any plans for later tonight. Relax, and take your time coming home. This is your night, and I'm just here to help you enjoy it for $20 an hour.

1 comment:

Husbands Anonymous said...

I'm laughing, but I'm laughing nervously.
The best part of babysitting, from what I remember, is stealing the father/husbands cigarillos, and smoking in his study while paging through his National Geographics. See? I said NatGeos, not Penthouse- because I'm not a complete pig.