Thursday, February 5, 2009

Notes from the Naughty Corner: Words, Words, Words

Lots of grownups have woken up after a long weekend at Burning Man to find themselves parents, but they don't want to completely give up vices such as smoking pot, drinking before breakfast or wife swapping. And who can blame them? Parents such as these who have young children underfoot often make up euphemisms for their naughty behavior so the kids totally won't know what they're talking about, man! Sometimes, when I'm supplementing my income with a little light pot dealing, I am telephoned with a request to "come over and bring a bowl of chips," while children shriek loudly in the background. If I've recently been to a birthday party where I've handed out a bunch of my suggestively erotic business cards, I might be asked if I can "watch the dog and let him out when he has to go" by a potential new client. The answer, of course, is always a firm "no." This got me into trouble once with a family that had a new puppy and a Missoni cashmere rug.

These naming conventions have proven to be useful for dodging Child Protective Services, but I always wonder... what if little Joey gets invited to little Soon-Yi's birthday potluck and is asked by her recently immigrated mother to bring a bowl of chips? Then what, he rifles through Mom's stash and shows up to the party with a big bag of weed to put on the table between the hot dogs and the kim chee? That $20 set of Bratz Acrylic Nails you meant to be Soon-Yi's birthday present has now become a $120 liability ($210 in New York).

As an experiment for the science fair, I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if you made up explicit euphemisms for ordinary tasks and taught them to your small children. If your child sees you washing the dishes and asks what you're doing, you can say, "Oh, I'm just gently massaging my penis." If you're taking out the trash, you can announce in a loud whisper that you're going outside to "cook up some crank" and will be back momentarily. Cleaning out your ears with Q-Tips? Yawn! Why not "insert asparagus tips into your anus" instead? And sorting through junk mail is much more fun when you're "engaging in urethra play." I wish my parents had thought of this when I was young, before they stopped herbally expanding their minds and became Republicans. Well, it's been fun, kids, but I've got to go now and polish my doorknobs before the landlord comes over for his monthly inspection. TTYL!

"I was gently massaging my penis when I ran out of soap."

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